I have potential...

My crisis. I want to be great like all my friends. My friends seem to be doing so much and I feel like I am still trying to find my place and figure out where I really am and what I am doing. I feel that I'll never be able to do as much as they have already accomplished!


For example:

My photography friend, Tim Dodd, from Cedar Falls, has been telling a story through his pictures. The story is of his close friend Taylor and his girlfriend Danielle. Taylor is now a quad amputee because of the war. Tim is helping tell his story of how his life has so drastically changed. I knew their story was pretty big but it hit me when I saw some of his photographs on Pinterest the other day! How cool right?

Here is his blog - READ IT! But I'll warn you - it's a tear jerker! (it got me)

http://timdoddphotography.com/blog/some-things-are-worth-holding-onto

This morning I have been sitting here through the tears from reading this story, thinking 'what am I doing here?' What is my purpose? How can I help people? How can I inspire others? I want to use my talents in art and photography to tell people's stories, to inspire those around me to do and be better! I can do it, why haven't I? I want to be someone. I want to DO something. I want to help people and be an inspiration. I can't help but be a little jealous of what Tim is getting to do. To tell a story through his photographs. To big a part of something greater! I don't just want to ride through life. I want to feel like and know I have helped others and truly made a difference in their lives. I want to learn about people, make friends with them and share their stories through my photographs! There is a quote I read once about how we fear - because we know our potential is great. I am afraid to start, to do, to be because I fear I can. I fear my great potential. What if I can't handle it? But I can. It might be a little difficult, but I know I can do it. I can spread love and joy in people. I know it.

I see what my friends are doing. My friend Jace is making videos with his friend Devin. Devin makes Youtube videos of people doing crazy, awesome, cool things. 

Here is one an example... 'camera warfare.'

  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYZmFo3_F1g&list=UUwgURKfUA7e0Z7_qE3TvBFQ&index=10&feature=plcp 

It's a pretty cool concept and an awesome juxtaposition. (or maybe I just like it because there are lots of cameras!)

I have many other friends who have successful photography businesses. Friends who travels all over the world taking pictures. Kelly, my roommate, is an actress preforming in plays all over the West Coast. I have so many friends doing amazing things, using their talents, and making a difference. Why can't I? Instead I run. I leave the country and seek adventure to stray from having to start to make a name for myself with photography, or to have to start a 'real' job or a family. I just run away, it seems easier to me. But I envy my friends who stay in one place, have the same friends, building lasting relationships with them, making a name for themselves and doing what they love and what they are good at.

When asked by a close friend why I travel so much, I couldn't really give him a straight answer. Why do I travel around the world? What is my purpose or goal? What am I trying to find? Myself. Am I trying to find myself? Trying to figure out who I am in this big ole world? Or is it so I can attempt to be something? To show people I am 'doing something with my life.' That I'm not a failure?! I am not for sure the real reason. I have been pondering this off and on for quite some time. Maybe one day I'll figure it out. I mean I guess my parents keep saying it's because I'm searching for a boyfriend. Maybe that's it? But I do know when I find a guy I can literally say I have searched the world to find you!

I'm just going through a mid 20's crisis. It's finally hitting me that I'm getting older and should be 'settled' or graduated (as my parents would say). But I don't care about graduating. I feel there is so much more to life then a piece of paper saying I successfully paid thousands of dollars to a University. (but don't worry I am going to graduate. so I can say I'm finished and say that I accomplished something!) But what to do after I have that paper. Where to go and who to be? I am not a 9 to 5 type of girl. I will never be. I can't do the same thing everyday. I know I can't. I get bored. As my dad knows.. I start a project and will rarely finish it. I get excited to help him with something but after an hour (or let's be honest probably more like 20 minutes.. or maybe 5) I am ready to move on to the next thing. I can't sit still for anything... oh wait except to work on a tedious art project made up of millions of tiny dots. Why? I don't know, but for some reason art can hold my attention for long periods of time.

I guess to conclude the rambling. I have decided I want to be something great. I want to be great like my amazing friends and be able to have something to show for my life. I want to make a difference and not float by. I guess I am just scared there is nothing out there for me to do.. that I will truly love and be excited to wake up to do every morning (or the later-ish morning or afternoon!) I want to be a part of something larger and great. I want to feel like I accomplished great things! That I made a difference and was just plain freaking awesome. I want to be that person.. that people can look up to or admire. Not only because of my crazy adventures but also because of the type of person I hope to become and be. I want to be loving and kind, understanding,  sympathetic, openminded, willing to help whenever and where ever I am called.

I can and will be awesome. I have friends and family members who are amazing examples and awesome support. I just have to believe.. 'like the movie Space Jam.' I've got to be like MJ -- believe I can fly... and not worry about the heights.. just fly and go higher and higher! I have the potential. I can. I will. Period. (hold me to this my friends!)



Later today... I was talking to my friend Jace (mentioned above) and he told me this -- 


"But it's cool to think they (the kids) will always remember you, and that you are having a significant impact on their lives, no matter how small it may feel."

I hadn't told him about my 'mid-20's' crisis.. he just said that. I sat back and thought about it. Yes, they will remember me and yes, I will impact them in someway. I would prefer it be for the better! All of my past teachers have had an impact on me in many different ways. So why didn't I think I would be to these little Korean kids? I want to a positive example to my students, showing them love and giving them the attention they want and need, while also teaching them English. I can/will/have photographed them and video-taped them, in hopes to share my experience and their stories with others around the world. I am doing something with my life. I am. I just had to realize it. It get's overwhelming at times or sometimes I think 'I am not doing any good here. They don't care.' But the days when they tell you they love you, or bring you candy, or give you a hug, or grab your hand, or speak English to you, or say a full sentence.. I know I must be doing something right! 

Maybe I'm not launching my photography business, or starting a family (like a lot of my friends) but I am doing. I am making a difference. I am learning and growing and expanding my horizons as well as the children's. I love what I am doing.. somedays it really is the worst, but overall I love the kids and love seeing them have fun and attempt to speak English. :) I only hope to continue to make a huge impact on them and even if it is small I at least want it to be for the better! Maybe this isn't my huge calling in life, maybe I won't be a teacher for forever.. but it's what I'm doing now and if nothing else it's a learning experience and a stepping stone to the future!